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Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Twins Still Stink

A sentence or two on every player currently on the Twins roster.

Pitchers
# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
58 Fernando Abad L/L 6'1" 220lbs 12/17/85 He's alright.
64 Pat Dean L/L 6'1" 195lbs 5/25/89 Name sounds like a Republican state senator from western Minnesota.
56 Tyler Duffey R/R 6'3" 220lbs 12/27/90 Only competent starter.
45 Phil Hughes R/R 6'5" 240lbs 6/24/86 He was really good in 2014
49 Kevin Jepsen R/R 6'3" 235lbs 7/26/84 Good thing I left before he pitched tonight.
27 Brandon Kintzler R/R 6'0" 190lbs 8/1/84 Can't wait to forget he was ever a Twin
65 Trevor May R/R 6'5" 240lbs 9/23/89 He's good but he's been bad. Met him at a bar in Uptown, nice guy
47 Ricky Nolasco R/R 6'2" 235lbs 12/13/82 Get the fuck off my team
54 Ervin Santana R/R 6'2" 175lbs 12/12/82 I wonder how many hat sizes he went down when he cut his dreadlocks
57 Ryan Pressly R/R 6'3" 210lbs 12/15/88 Didn't even realize we still had him
55 Taylor Rogers L/L 6'3" 170lbs 12/17/90 Uninspired call up
59 Michael Tonkin R/R 6'7" 220lbs 11/19/89 Hit in extras against Washington, hit a swinging bunt where my internal body clock said he's safe, he was out by 6 steps.
Catchers
# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
37 Juan Centeno L/R 5'9" 195lbs 11/16/89 3 years 36 million
8 Kurt Suzuki R/R 5'11" 205lbs 10/4/83 Top 5 least favorite Twin of all time.
Infield
# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
2 Brian Dozier R/R 5'11" 200lbs 5/15/87 Oh no, we suck again!
5 Eduardo Escobar S/R 5'10" 185lbs 1/5/89 He makes me sad
7 Joe Mauer L/R 6'5" 225lbs 4/19/83 I love him so much
9 Eduardo Nunez R/R 6'0" 195lbs 6/15/87 Top 4 least favorite Twin of all time
24 Trevor Plouffe R/R 6'2" 215lbs 6/15/86 Nice guy who is more average than Terry Ryan is willing to admit
Outfield
# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
31 Oswaldo Arcia L/R 6'0" 225lbs 5/9/91 No good reason he didn't pinch hit tonight
36 Robbie Grossman S/L 6'0" 215lbs 9/16/89 2 years 17 million extension
21 Darin Mastroianni R/R 5'11" 190lbs 8/26/85 I still can't believe he's on the Twins again. So so so so so depressing
22 Miguel Sano R/R 6'4" 260lbs 5/11/93 Getting a tattoo of him on my lower back and my neck
39 Danny Santana S/R 5'11" 185lbs 11/7/90 He's mistaken all of his bats for piss-soaked, rolled-up copies of the Pioneer Press
Designated Hitters
# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
52 Byung Ho Park R/R 6'1" 220lbs 7/10/86 Good hitter shitty tattoos

I'm drunk.