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Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Twins Stink

The Twins flat out stink. I've been to 2 games this week (which is almost all of the games so far) and they have scored for me a combined 1 (ONE) run.  I've been thinking a lot about the Twins lately since I love baseball and they're my favorite team so here are some things.

What if they start like 0-45???  Like what would happen? How many games would it take for everyone in the organization to be fired?  Like at 0-30, would Molitor get fired or what's the number?  I think at like 0-40, they would finally start getting attention from Jim Pohlad, kind of like when a really rich kid whose dad is always out of town on business gets really bad grades one quarter and they get faxed (faxed?) to his dad who's on a fancy business trip in Hong Kong then he calls his kid and is like "what the fuck, Blake? (Blake a name of kids who have rich fancy parents)"  All just a long con to finally get some fucking attention from his pops.  At 0-57, I think Molitor has already stopped coming to work and Terry Ryan would have to move into a nursing home in Lakeville.  At 0-70 I think there's a cyanide giveaway night and the 4000 remaining fans perform a ritual suicide after Kurt Suzuki's ceremonial pop out to the first baseman in the 4th inning.

I think if they set the record for most consecutive losses to start a season, the Twins should go on a 3 year probationary period where they aren't allowed to send a player to the All Star Game and instead the team must play a 3 game series over the break with the reigning Town Ball State Champions a la Mystery, Alaska.

My senior year of the high school, the basketball team made it to the section final and some of my friends who were on the team told me the day before, they practiced cutting down the nets so they could envision themselves winning the game.  The Twins should do this.  The Twins should have a practice tomorrow afternoon where they put a guy on the mound and simulate winning a game.  He pitches, they fake win, and the catcher runs out and high fives the closer.  The outfielders do their goofy jump hip bump thing in center field and then everyone meets on the mound to high five each other before going to the clubhouse where SURPRISE Torii Hunter is back with the smoke machine and some fire jams.  PRACTICE DANCE PARTY.  LET'S FUCKING GO.

That, or there should be a players only batting practice at the St. Thomas field.  We did this before the wood bat tournament in Hibbing when I was a freshman and sophmore in our full uniforms before the night game.  Upper classmen pitched to the starting lineup in order, then the bench guys and the other guys shagged and talked about who on the team's sister each guy wanted to have sex with.  Also, everyone was required to chew or they were called a pussy.  (CC Tim Scott, please don't give me retroactive weeks for this, or do I don't care). Then we would do a car train to the park and drive around Hibbing in a line of like 12 cars honking our horns like general assholes.  

What if the Twins did an Opening Day redo.  Just a random game when they're say 0-18 where before the game the announce full rosters and staffs of both teams and parade them around.  Get the fucking strength coach and the fucking hot dog vendors out there and then do a national anthem with a huge fucking flag and just try this shit over again.

I wonder if there's a guy in the clubhouse that no one really likes.  They could just scapegoat him.  Molitor wouldn't even pull him into his office, just have a big announcement when everyone's in the clubhouse.  Ricky (Nolasco, it's definitely Nolasco), pack up your shit, your contract has been sold to the last place team in the Mexican League.  Kind of like when in The Office, the branches merge and Dwight wants Michael to fire someone on the first day to establish dominance.  Now that I've typed this out it doesn't seem plausible but fuck it.

Let's just try harder tomorrow guys.  Go Twins!

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