So as you probably know if you read this blog, I’ve long been fighting a losing battle. There is no known cure and no end in sight. That’s right. I’m a ginger. And all joking aside, it’s not that bad. I actually like it to a certain weird degree because I can make jokes about myself for being a ginger which almost always get a courtesy chuckle out of people (one person likes calling me the self-deprecation king, but I’m probably more on a level of serfdom on the self-deprecation food chain), and one time I even got with a chick because she was into redheads (as far as I know she’s the only one). Enough about me though, I’m about to list off some people who unfortunately have red hair as well. In their cases however, they didn’t get cut from a Division-III baseball team, and instead were actually pretty good at sports. Yep, I’m talking about the top 10 ginger athletes of all time.
Honorable Mention—Clint Frazier—I couldn’t in good conscious actually put him on the list because he hasn’t playing a fucking inning past Rookie Ball for the Indians but the 2013 1st Rounder has a head of glorious fire orange hair that would make Carrot Top blush.
Eye Black Hardo
Honorable Mention—Dennis Rodman—In all honestly I used to love the Worm. Thought he was one of the most interesting, batshit crazy human beings on the planet. But now that’s he’s made the career change from basketball and hard drugs to international diplomacy and hard drugs, I’m kind of out on Rodman. That’ll happen when you make buddies with and subsequently fucking defend the dictator with one of the worst human rights records in the world. That’s a fucking super easy way for your approval rating to go down. Coupled with the fact that he isn’t a true ginger, he’s lucky his ass even got a mention on this prestigious list.
Honorable Mention—Alexi Lalas—All I know about this guy is that he’s on ESPN a couple times every 4 years, he used to play soccer for the US of A, and he used to look like this (!!!!!). Maybe I should bring it back.
This guy smoked all the weed
Honorable Mention—Jason Garrett—Ok so he’s not technically an athlete (unless you want to include his days holding a clipboard in Dallas) but he’s a really mediocre coach of an underachieving team, which in all reality is so fucking much more than I could ever dream to achieve, so who am I to throw stones at the Cowboys?
A picture is worth 10,000 8-8 seasons
10. Brian Scalabrine—As awesome and entertaining as Scal was, he’s really only famous because he was pretty shitty and owned it. I’m always a sucker for guys doing goofy shit that is super self-aware. So with that in mind, I loved the whole “White Mamba” thing because of how detached from reality Kobe was when he decided to call himself “Black Mamba.” Gotta love a troll job on one of the all-time greats but some goofy pine-riding ginger.
9. Matt Bonner—I’ve always had a soft spot for Bonner because of his nickname game is unreal and his jumper is as wet as it is ugly. I mean, I can’t not get behind a guy called “Red Rocket” who shoots like this.
Matt Bonner: Professional Athlete
8. Bobby Kielty—Here’s one of those guys who when you were young you always thought kind of sucked, but when you look at his numbers, it turns out was actually pretty serviceable. Who knew? Also, the no batting gloves & head of hair that actually looks like a burning campfire look is fire flames, pun intended.
7. Andy Dalton—The fact that the shittiest quarterback in the NFL Playoffs is not only a ginger but still good enough to be on this list is basically a testament to every ginger’s struggling existence. With all that taken into consideration, it’s also important to note that this is the girl that puts SPF 70 on the hard-to-reach parts of his back when they go to the beach together.
6. Matt Birk—Minnesota boy, Viking, Super Bowl Champ, glorious head of red flow.
5. The Sedin Twins—Holy shit is this pair creepy looking. They look like that greasy future sexual deviant kid in your 3rd grade class that was the first kid to bring his older brother’s Playboy to school, except there’s two of them.
4. Shaun White—If I’m going off athletic successes alone, he probably would be number one, but I really don’t put a whole lot of stock (zero to be precise) in the fucking X Games and being the best kid at goddamn skateboarding and snowboarding. I mean, we all remember the skateboarders from high school—do you really want to be the best out of those kids? It’s kind of like being on the Dean’s List at St. Cloud State. I mean, you might be smart, but who gives a shit?
3. Blake Griffin—Lots of controversy swirling around Griffin and his ethnicity and whether it’s possibly to be both black and a ginger. I’m here to give a definitive ruling because I’m easily the most qualified person who writes for this blog on the topic of ginger race relations. Blake Griffin has red hair and freckles. He is absolutely a ginger. And he is a fucking athletic freak of a ginger, might I add. So yeah, the guy posterizing the fuck out of random European big men and Kendrick Perkins is a ginger, sucks to suck rest of the NBA.
RIP Kendrick Perkins
2. Mark McGwire—Big Mac is one of my favorite athletes of all time. I like to think in another, more-successful life, I would be like him mashing upwards of 70 homers a year and keeping a gloriously masculine goatee. Instead, it takes me at least a week to grow anything slightly visible and I had about 40 power on the Minnesota high school baseball 20-80 scouting scale.
"Make me like Mac" (Like Mike reference, nbd)
1. Bill Walton—I would just love to sit down and have a beer or 10 with Bill Walton. Big Red was in his prime one of the most talented all-around players in the NBA (think a taller, more athletic Kevin Love) who starred in the NBA when drug use was absolutely rampant. He has to have some fucking incredible stories about the 70s if he can remember any of them. On top of being one of the coolest dudes of all time, he did it all despite looking like a ginger kid who went as a member of the Taliban for Halloween. I can get behind that.
PS—every other site that I’ve read that has done this kind of thing is taking the classification of ginger WAY too liberally. I saw Chuck Norris on lists multiple times and that guy has the most standard brown hair of all time. It’s absolutely abhorrent to me that guys like that (and there were a few others) who aren’t gingers get credit for being them. Quit trying to rain on our one little crappy, soulless parade.