I can’t decide if I’m going to hate this Niners-Packers Wild Card matchup or love it. It’s pretty evident that I can’t stand the Green Bay Packers, but at the same time, Jim Harbaugh might be my least favorite coach in any sport other than Bo Ryan and Dave Hakstol. All Harbaugh does is rant and rave and bitch on the sidelines at all times. I’ve hated that fucker basically since he showed up in the league being an asshole on the sidelines every week. Not only did he produce this gif [insert Harbaugh Falcons gif], but he fucking bullied the replacement refs into about 6 timeouts and 4 challenges against the Vikings last year while hapless (gutless, motionless?) Leslie Frazier just stood there and let it happen. So yeah, when I say it will pain me to root for Harbaugh in a playoff game, I’m not lying. The thing I’m going really love about this game is the cold, specifically how I’m not going to be in it and that a bunch of Packer fans will be. I hope they freeze—not enough to actually be harmed because that’s just psychotic, but enough that they are miserable and wish they weren’t there the whole time. But at the same time, I hope enough don’t show that I can constantly bash Packer fans for not caring enough to fill a playoff game all while considering themselves the best fans in football (even though you couldn’t get me to go to a Viking playoff game in -20 degree temps if you paid me). At the very least, this is going to be really interesting, so I think it calls for my first ever running diary. With Joe Buck in the House That Daunte Built (#NeverForget), Mars-like temperatures, and a couple of teams I love to root against, this should be memorable. Prediction—Packers 14, Niners 3 in a super sloppy game that has the pace of a Badger basketball game and about 45 3-and-outs. That being said, Packers moneyline is a stone cold, cold-blooded, lead-pipe lock (bigger lock than me ordering a Nookie Supreme when I walk into the Nook—lock of the century, maybe even millennium) considering the weather and all the Packer devil magic, and by mortal lock, I mean I won’t be betting it because I don’t have a bookie :(. If someone who is reading this really hates me and wants to see me (more) unhappy and (more) unsuccessful and knows a bookie, you should give me his number so I can start my life as (more of a) degenerate.
What an asshole
2:02 PM Central—Early game is barely into halftime, but I just have to say I REALLY enjoyed Niners lineman Anthony “Don’t Call Me Unibrow” Davis tweeting “Nature Boy Ric Flair flew into this shit hole to show us some love.” last night. This is hilarious—the Niners are all just sitting there like “Fuuuuuuck this.” Love seeing the other team bash Green Bay as a town and really get the vitriol going, but at the same time, this is concerning considering the cold is already in their heads. I mean, when it’s -20, I get psyched out to walk to class, let alone run a read option or a cover-two, so I think the shit weather is definitely a huge Packer advantage per usual.
3:14—Kaepernick shown in Packer gear as a kid in front of Lambeau. And this is the guy I’m placing my faith in?... Some #hotsportstakes by the Fox crew right after, when they go way out on a limb and predict that Kaepernick won’t have 400 yards like last year when he had probably the best game of his life. That’s why they get paid the big bucks!
3:19—Andy “The Great Red Hope” Dalton knocked out of the playoffs once again. :( “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter literally plays on a commercial as I type this, no lie.
3:21—Curt Menefee just asked Erin Andrews (onsite at Lambeau) if her tongue is still working in the cold. I’d like to find out firsthand.
3:27—Rob Riggle’s cringe-worthy pick segment. Are there people out there who think Rob Riggle is funny? Are they also Pitbull fans who drink Coors Light?
3:30—Frozen Tundra Lambeau guy with the artificial icicles on his costume is the biggest asshole on the planet.
3:39—Kaepernick is in short sleeves. Hardo city.
3:40—Joe Buck lets us know Spanish broadcast is available on Fox Deportes, which I’m not sure exists. I wish it did so I don’t have to listen to Joe Buck all afternoon.
3:41—Add Randall Cobb to the “sleeveless hardo” contingent. Between going sleeveless, running after incomplete passes like they’re fumbles and standing up and running after being tackled, NFL players might be the stupidest people on earth.
3:43—“Kuuuuuuuuuhn” chants as Kuhn doesn’t get the first down and the Packers go 3-and-out. What a bunch of morons.
3:46—About 2 minutes into the game and Sam Shields is the first injured player down. This is going to be a running total and I’m unofficially setting the O/U at 7.5. And that’s probably down from what it would be if the rules were the same as they were 10 years ago—if the XFL still existed with athletes this fast and strong, there would legitimately be deaths on field.
3:48—“Discount Dooooooouble Check” Kill me.
3:53—Seriously why aren’t these idiots wearing sleeves?
3:54—4th down for the Niners—Riverboat Harbaugh goes for it, and they get it!!! Skol Niners. And the silence you hear is Lambeau Field!!!!!!!
3:56—Harbaugh takes 2nd timeout 5 minutes into the game. He knows he doesn’t get to bully the officials into more of them in this game right?
3:58—If you’re a deer in Lambeau Field, you gotta be concerned. Lots of blaze orange and presumably rifles in the stands.
3:59—Niners stopped on 3rd and Goal, with help from the 12th man (uncalled pass interference). 3-0 Niners.
4:04—Update—There are 2 Frozen Tundra Lambeau guys, so they’re tied for biggest asshole on the planet. Grrrrr.
4:06—First penalty of the day and the ref is as bundled up as the hostages in grainy Al Qaeda videos. It’s gotta be tough for the NFL refs knowing that it can’t be about them out there if we don’t know who it is. It must not be Hochuli because I have him pegged as the one ref that would go short sleeves just to show off his arms. Suns out, guns out.
4:10—Clay’s ponytail is really cute today on the sidelines. No “superstar” is as injured as he is constantly. Guy plays 10 to 12 games a year but is still talked about like he’s Reggie White.
4:13—Shot of Harbaugh on the sidelines. He’s bitching about something. Angry guy.
4:16—Great play by the 12th Man as Crabtree is mugged in the end zone to no avail. 12th Man has been great all day as SF gets stopped on 3rd and Goal again and kicks a FG. 6-0 Niners.
4:20—Rodgers fumbles, and it’s recovered, albeit not for a touchdown like last week. Not for a turnover either. The Packers look horrible, and I probably look downright fucking giddy.
4:22—“Kuuuuuuuuuuhn” after Lacy runs for 2 yards on 3rd and 15……wait never mind they’re booing. This reminds me of idiot Twins fans yelling “Leeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww” for crappy Lew Ford.
4:26—End of 1st Quarter, Niners are only up 6-0 while destroying the Packers in every part of the game. Personally, being the sports fatalist I am, I’m horrified that SF is only up 6 and knowing the Packers, they are gonna pull something out of their ass.
4:30—Tramon Williams pick. This is the shit that I’m talking about as Joe Buck can hardly contain his excitement. Seriously FUCK Tramon Williams. The fact that he was a 1st round bust for the Texans who was cut and then becomes a Pro Bowler in Green Bay is soooooooo Packers I can’t even stand it.
4:34—“Kuuuuuuuuhhhhn” Fuck everything.
4:35—So all of a sudden the Packers are driving because Packers. Throws to Jones and Nelson, who I sneaky REALLY hate after his horseshit “Discover Wisconsin” commercials and the fact that he picked up McCarthy’s illegal challenge flag vs the Vikings last year and got away with it in the Dome. Then Rodgers hits “Gods Gift” Quarless for a chunk. This is so Packers I can’t even stand it. My blood pressure is rising and I’m probably going to break one of the keys on my computer pretty quick because of how hard I’m typing right now.
4:41—Touchdown Rodgers to Nelson. Fuck. They’re just like the Vikings in important games except the exact opposite. 7-6 Packers and the fact that the Niners dominated a whole quarter is completely irrelevant :(.
4:47—Just saw the Nelson TD replay. Looks like the 12th Man plays two-way hockey, coach. Yikes what a push.
4:48—Kaepernick scrambles to the GB 12 for like 40 yards—this is why I love a mobile QB in Madden.
4:50—Gore punches one in from 8 out—13-7 Niners. Run defense is the 12th Man’s only weakness. Hurts for me to root for Frank Gore because he single handedly derailed one of my many derailed fantasy football seasons. If I keep playing FF, I’m going to hate the whole league for fucking me in fantasy and making me feel like an absolute braindead idiot every fall Sunday.
4:54—First Dante Whitner sighting. The fact that he wanted to change his name to Hitner makes him a TREMENDOUS asshole on par with “Gods Gift” Andrew Quarless. So much unlikability in this game (I just made up a word). 2 minute warning.
What a dickhead
4:57—Update—The ref is Hochuli and I’m an idiot. NEVER underestimate this fact.
4:58—Rodgers throws a pick but of course the Niners were offside. Rodgers is actually legitimately getting credit for throwing this pick from Buck and Aikman. You honestly cannot make it up.
5:00—Fox halftime show guys are shown on a stoop talking about the upcoming halftime show. What the fuck is going on?
5:01—James “Jonny Flynn’s cousin” Starks for a first down. Motherfucker fuck Jonny Flynn he should have been Steph Curry ahhhhhhhhhh
5:05—Mike McCarthy doesn’t understand timeouts, episode 51654616516. Harbaugh freezes already frozen Mason Crosby (get it guys, because he called a timeout and because it’s cold out, amirite?). 13-10 Niners at halftime. “I can’t wait to hear what Terry Bradshaw thinks”- no one.
5:11—Every guy has a tablet in front of them on the halftime show. I like imaging the guy who had to explain what this thing was to Bradshaw and I REALLY like imaging the Sports Show with Reusse, Sid Hartman, Mike Max, and (RIP) Dark Star having tablets in front of them and someone having to explain to Senile Sid what a tablet is.
5:13—Twitter says there was a commercial about Gus Johnson announcing a birth and the kid was shot out at Gus or something like that. I’m legitimately distraught that I missed this.
5:20—Aikman’s analysis starts with saying the players figured out which cleats to wear. I’m at a loss for words.
5:22—McCarthy just absolutely fucking patronized Pam Oliver and I love it. She said he said the run is what got their offense going when they basically started moving the ball the second they were able to get Rodgers protection. Just baffling. Also, I’m not sure Pam Oliver knows a whole lot about sports because she just said that to the world with a straight face. Snake on, Pam.
5:23—Niners burn a time out before running a single play?????? Jim, you probably aren’t going to get to bully Hochuli into extra time outs. Absolutely inexplicable.
5:25—3 and out and the Packers get the ball at their own 45. I’ve seen this movie before and I know how it ends and the ending really fucking sucks.
5:28—Rodgers has been yelling “Jerry” all night for audibles and now he was just screaming “cobra.” Pretty reminiscent of me yelling “ice cream cone” and “hot route” on the playground just absolutely making shit up on the fly. GB punt.
5:31—Update—Erin Andrews is still attractive.
5:32—I know they’re calling the Packer CB who wears #31 and has long dreadlocks Devon House, but I still think it’s Al Harris. I have never seen the two of them in the same room. I mean, just looking at him. That’s fucking Al Harris.
5:34—Another Packer down. That’s 2 guys only so far for my running total. Good thing I’m not a bookmaker.
5:37—8:17 left in the 3rd Quarter and Harbaugh uses his 2nd timeout. What the FUCK Jim. Seriously this is going to come back to bite the Niners in the ass. Of course this happens against the Packers because Packers. Closed circuit Harbaugh—I REALLY don’t think you should count on bullying the officials into more timeouts. Even though it has worked in the past, it’s very unlikely.
5:39—Discount Double Check and JJ Watt during the commercial break. I can’t escape Wisconsin.
5:46—Rodgers gets sacked in back to back plays or as I like to call it, Christmas morning.
5:47—It cracks me up every time they show Kaepernick on the sidelines in a big winter jacket and a bank robber facemask trying to stay warm considering the fact that he has refused to put on sleeves in one of the coldest games of all time. A true head-scratcher.
5:48—Absolutely absurd Turbo Tax commercial trying to make doing your taxes seem like the last 8 minutes of a romantic comedy when everything works out. Blatantly false advertising.
5:53—If I see you in blaze orange or a snowmobile jacket at Lambeau Field, like those who were just cut to on the broadcast, I don’t even need to meet you because I know we wouldn’t get along very well.
5:57—3rd Quarter over, 13-10 Niners. At this point, I just want this to be over because I’m really regretting this running diary 3 hours in, and in all reality, no one is reading anymore. Actually, if anyone is still reading this, say the word “tator tots” to me somehow. I mean I’m way too far into this to quit, but at the same time it’s just getting absurd. And there’s still a whole quarter to go. I’m losing my mind.
6:02—Packers going for it on 4th and ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
6:02—God damn it. Rodgers makes a great play because obviously. This fucking sucks. So much holding too. 12th Man is having a yuuuuuuuuge, yuuuuuuuuge game.
6:03—I hate them so fucking much I can’t even stand it.
6:06—“Kuuuuuuuuuuuhn” Fucking damn it. 17-13 bad guys :(.
6:07—Cue the highlight of Rodgers to Cobb from last week :(.
6:10—The whole thing sprung by a super blatant hold. Was it Lambeau or Lombardi who sold their soul to the devil?
6:11—Kaepernick Madden scramble for a lot of yards. Let’s fucking gooooo
6:12—Pass interference on Al Harris!!!! 12th Man get carted off?? About fucking time.
6:14—“@daynperry: I wish I loved anything as much as the Packers love cheating.” This.
6:16—VERNON FUCKING DAVIS LET’S GO 20-17 Niners. Remember Singletary, “Cannot win with him, cannot play with him, cannot coach him, can’t do it.”
6:17—No Pack No! No Pack No!
6:21—“Kuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhn” God damn it. Aikman is talking about how selfless he is and how he will do whatever is asked of him. Soooooo basically he’s like almost every lineman or fullback ever?
6:23—Randall Cobb sneaky climbing my rankings for Packers who I fucking hate the most. This era’s Donald Driver. Fuck him.
6:26—Huge 3rd and Goal coming up for GB at the 9.
6:27—GB holding but of course it’s meaningless and declined. Field goal, 20-20. Super entertaining game thus far, but I know how it’s going to end already.
6:30—Highlight reel of Packers pushing and shoving. Yeah.
6:33—Sometimes Kaepernick looks like shit, but sometimes he looks fucking awesome like he has tonight. If he improves as a passer, he is going to be Vick 2.0 but maybe better. Holy shit was that third down to Crabtree awesome.
6:37—Niners driving, 2 minute warning, what a game. I’m drained. I think if the Vikings ever made the playoffs again I would have a heart attack or something like that.
6:38—Milk some clock, get 20 yards, kick a FG and send the Packers packing. Simple. Now let’s see how it gets fucked up.
6:39—Colin Michaelvicknernick!!!!!! God is he good! That’s a dagger. Milk clock and we go.
6:43—Just make the kick and stupid Rodgers doesn’t get to come back on the field. Let’s fucking do this together!
6:44—Let’s go. Fingers crossed.
6:45—Ding dong the witch is dead!!!!!!!!!! Fuck yes. Sheets for the Packers!!!!!
6:47—Good thing I don’t have a bookie and thank god this running blog is over. Never again. Except maybe. Hope it was enjoyed, and not too obnoxious even though it definitely was.